Untitled Vampire Comedy
by PrimevalChaos
Summary: A comedy about two werewolf hunting vampire lovers and their ghoulish companion
1. Prologue

Untitled Vampire Comedy

Prologue

AN: I am only writing the prologue for now but if it gets good reviews I shall add the other chapters I have written…..Enjoy!

It was a dark and stormy night and the moon was full and bright. Jonniena was walking down a dark lonesome road…alone!. The tree-lined road stretched endlessly in front of her. She shivered as the wind whistled through the trees.  
Suddenly: HOWWWLLLL!  
Jonniena froze shivering she had heard about the ferocious beast that stalked these woods! Fear stabbed at her heart as she quickened her pace but it was all in vain as a great beast leapt out of the trees and pinned her on the dirt floor. She screamed as it stared ripping at her flesh in a ferocious manner.

Suddenly a dismembered foot flew out of nowhere and hit the werewolf right between the eyes. The stunned werewolf spun round to see two vampires, one male one female, and a one footed ghoul which was leaning on the female vampire for support,  
"Oh shit I can't believe I fell apart again, stupid foot"  
The vampire looked vaguely impressed,  
"Nice shot though"  
The male vampire flew past them both and started to hack the poor helpless werewolf to pieces with a large silver sword. The ghoul hopped over to her dismembered foot and started to reattach it using a sewing kit.

Meanwhile the female vampire approached the still hysterical Jonniena,  
"Oh shut up for fucks sake! You're doing my head in"  
Picking the helpless girl up easily with one hand the vampire sunk her teeth into Jonniena's neck and drained her blood. Throwing the corpse to one side, the vampire turned to her boyfriend who was still hacking the werewolf cadaver to pieces.  
"Moose, dearest… honey"  
She sighed,  
"MOOSE"  
The vampire spun round with a start,  
"What"  
"Dearest I think it's dead now"  
Moose turned to the remains of the mutilated werewolf, "Oh yeah so it is. Where's that human gone"  
His girlfriend looked at him guiltily,  
"Ummm I've already killed her"  
"Again? You freaking kill-hog! God! I'm starving"  
"Sorry dear I'll find you a snack on the way home."

The newly repaired ghoul wandered over to the remains of the werewolf and looked down at it,  
"Wow", she exclaimed, "Look at that werewolf dick! I wish my dick was as big as that"  
The vampire rolled her emerald green eyes,  
"Rachelle, you're a chick! For the last time you do not have a penis"  
The ghoul looked hurt,  
"Yeah that's right Lithia! Rub it in my face! If you must know I'm going through a difficult phase at the moment and you're not helping things! Just because you're all happy with you coupleyness and, and… oh shit my hand's come off again! Being a gender confused emo-ghoul is so hard! My life sucks and… oh look a moth"  
Lithia shook her head in despair, "Shut up Rachelle! Come on you two, let's go home."

With that the trio disappeared as suddenly as they appeared leaving the two corpses strewn across the lonely dirt path. 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter 1

Later that night, the trio staggered back to their woodland hideout, Lithia and Rachelle supporting a drunken Moose.  
They dropped him on the grassy floor. He groaned,  
"Owww my head. I think I had a bit too much to drink"  
Lithia was fuming,  
"A bit? A bit too much? You drained 18 fucking drunks you freaking moron! I said a snack! Not a fucking gourmet meal"  
Moose groaned again and rolled over,  
"Are you even listening to me? Moose? Moose? MOOSE! Oh great now he's asleep. Well there goes my sex for tonight. Idiot"  
THUD! Lithia spun round with a start as Rachelle's head rolled towards her feet,  
"Jeezus girl! Can't you control that damn thing"  
Rachelle staggered towards her head, picked it up and started to sew it back on.  
"Sorry Lith it's just all that shouting made me all scared and emotional, then you mentioned sex and well its been so long since I've had any and well I got upset, You know how I get"  
"Yeah yeah whatever. You don't half go on you know. I'm tired and it's nearly dawn. I'm gonna drag Moose into the cave and go to sleep. Do me a favour? Take Nikoleena for a walk, she hasn't been out all night and you know how restless she gets"  
"Is that all I am to you? A fucking lackey"  
"Pretty much"  
Rachelle's ear tumbled to the floor,  
"That really hurts! I don't even like that mangy old dog, last time I walked her she ran off with my leg, it was all chewed up when I got it back and she drooled on it"  
"First, she's a wolf not a dog and second she was only playing with you. I think she likes you"  
"Well the feeling certainly isn't mutual"  
"Look just shut up and take her for a walk will ya"  
"Fine! But I hope that you are aware of the emotional trauma you are causing me"  
"Sure whatever"  
Rachelle wandered off into the woods with a huge grey wolf as Lithia dragged Moose into a small cave nearby. She rolled a large stone across the entrance, just as the sun began to rise over the tops of the trees. Behind her Moose had woken up and proceeded to throw up in the corner of the cave. Lithia sighed,  
"If you think I'm cleaning that fucking mess up you've got another think coming"  
She lay down in her coffin, which was perched on a flat piece of rock in the middle of the cave, and went to sleep. 


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter 2

"Lithia! Lithia wake up!

"What, what! Moose? What the fuck?"

"Lith honey, we have a huge problem!"

Moose lead Lithia outside where a terrible sight met her eyes. The ground beneath her feet was scorched and blackened. Nearby Nikoleena was lying on a rock with a stakr through her heart and a cross carved into her chest. Lithia hissed in disgust,

"Vampire hunters! Where the fuck's Rachelle?"

"Guys? Little help?"

The two vampires spun round to find Rachelle's various body parts piled up by a stream.

Oh guys thank fuck! I've been stuck like this all day...sorry about the dog but yeah this dude appeared out of nowhere and well... he scared me and, and I just fell apart. What a bastard though, it was so mean of him what with my emotional trauma and everything, and... and..."

She burst into tears, Lithia shook her head,

"For fucks sake! Shut up Rachelle, pull yourself together! Moose get me a sewing kit so we can stitch her up. We need to get out of here before that vampire hunter comes back."

Half an hour later the two vampires managed to stitch the still sobbing ghoul back together. Moose stepped back,

"There good as new."

Rachelle looked down at her newly repaired body and started to wail uncontrollably. Moose looked confused,

"What? What's wrong?"

He looked helplessly at Lithia who looked helplessly back.

"You missed, I lost, my my-"

"What? What have you lost?"

Rachelle wailed louder, Lithia looked at her exasperated,

"For God's sake! Shut up! Moose shut her up! Fucks sake, I can't hear myself think!"

Rachelle screamed,

"I've lost my penis!"

She collapsed to the floor in despair. Lithia groaned in exasperation as Moose attempted to pick the distraught Rachelle off the floor,

"Look Rach you never have a penis! You're a chick, not a dude."

Rachelle stopped crying and looked at him,

"Oh yeah! Silly me! So...what's happening?"

They both looked over to Lithia who had already packed everyone's bags using her amazing vampire speed.

"We're leaving, now. We can travel around for a bit and lay low. But remember no werewolf hunting, no large scale massacres and no taking Rachelle out in public until this all dies down. Understand?"

Moose started to protest but he saw the glare on Lithia's face and thought better of it. They both nodded.

"Now Moose go steal us a car, its probably best we don't use our powers for a while."

Moose looked confused,

"But you- oh never mind."

About an hour later Moose had sucessfuly found a car and the three of them were on the road, their adventure had begun.

However someone else had heard their conversation in the woods. The vampire hunter stepped out behind a tree and chuckled to himself. Killing these three idiots would be the easiest job he'd ever done... 


End file.
